Life is precious

"You have to get to SF General and immediately," is what I heard on the phone. "One of the guys had a heart attack."

My heart stopped and so did time.

"I'll tell you about Steve when you get here," Rick said.

I am not sure what I was thinking other than being scared. When you know something has happened to one of your Firefighters and you don't know all the details, time stops and everything after that seems to run in slow motion. I know it took me about 45 minutes to reach the hospital but it seemed like days. My head was whirling and I was fearful that I might have to pull my car over just to throw up. That didn't seem so lady-like so I fought the nausea.

I parked quickly in the lot, and ran to the Emergency room. I didn't even know where I was supposed to go. I was trembling so bad that I couldn't even stop to call Rick and ask where they were. I was directed to the Cardiac Care Unit upstairs. I never realized how long elevators could take! How many other people have taken these same elevators rushing to their family members only to feel like they are in a time warp?

I jumped out of the elevator and ran down the hall. I saw Rick standing there. I was running so fast that I misjudged how much time I needed to come to a complete stop and ended up smacking into the Crash Cart in the hall... probably the same Crash Cart they used for Steve. The fact it was in the hall brought a double emotion from my heart: either Steve had been successfully resuscitated or he died. Rick picked me up off the floor.... ok, I can't throw up on the freeway because it wouldn't be lady-like but I have the knack to fall flat on my face many times in my life.... this being one of them.... and it isn't lady-like either but seems to be WHO I am... a total klutz. I looked at everyone who was standing around. One of them was Steve. I was confused. I never knew anyone could have a heart attack and mend so quickly.

I looked at Rick. I always trusted him. He had always told me the truth even when I didn't want to hear it.

"What is going on?" I asked.

"Sheena... I couldn't tell you on the phone. You would have freaked and I was afraid you'd get into an accident."

Ok, now I was totally confused and a bit irritated because I now knew less than an hour ago.

"WHO???" I yelled.

"Captain Harold," was all Rick said before I rushed into the CCU room, fighting off Rick and two others who tried to prevent me from going into the room.

"You can't be in here," the nurse said.

"Like heck!" I screamed and ran to Harold's bedside.

The attending Physician motioned to the nurse and she let me be.

Harold was pale... actually a strange shade of gray. He seemed to be sleeping. My heart ached. Actually it hurt like hell.

The past flashed in front of my eyes. I have had the priveledge to work with Harold for over 25 years. He was like my Father. He was always there for me. He was my Mentor. He was there when I lost friends and family members. He and his wife pulled me into their lives and comforted me when I needed it the most. They never had children. I suppose I was considered their child. I was there when he lost his wife some years ago. He never remarried. While others felt enough years had passed and he should "get out and meet a woman," I knew Harold's heart and what he really felt. He was still in love with his wife of 30+ years. He would never remarry. I respected him for his feelings. I admired him.

And now there he was... in critical condition. 65 years old. He couldn't die on me. I wouldn't allow it. My anger towards Rick for deceiving me and allowing me to believe it was Steve who had the heart attack dissolved. I realized Rick never mentioned in so many words that Harold was the one who had the heart attack... he just said we would TALK about Steve. I needed to know what he meant by that.

I went out to the hall where Rick, Steve and others were. I stared at them all trying to figure out what they were all thinking or feeling. I couldn't. I was too confused with my own feelings.

"Tell me," I said to Rick. And he did.

My partner knows me well. Yes, I would have freaked out if I had known it was Harold who had a heart attack. True, I was devastated that I thought it was Steve. He is one of my men in the Firehouse and I consider him and everyone of them equally important and special to me. But Steve is young and strong and I could have convinced myself that he would pull through a heart attack. Harold is more seasoned and would have to struggle a lot more to get through one. I care deeply about everyone I work with or "KNOW" and I have a difficult time dealing with something bad happening to any of them.

Suddenly I was thankful I didn't know the truth during that phone call. I gave Rick and the other guys a hug and went back into Cap's room. I remained there the entire weekend.... talking to him, crying, scolding, apologizing. He finally woke up and said, "Can you just be quiet for a minute???" I was ecstatic! He NOTICED I was annoying! This was GREAT news!

Captain Harold eventually had an angioplasty. His heart attack was due to a blockage in one of his arteries. Thank God he had the attack in the Firehouse.... and thank God Steve was there to perform CPR. Had Harold been at home (he lives alone)... he would have most likely died.

I am grateful beyond belief for Steve's fast thinking and expertise in CPR. Have I mentioned I have the greatest guys a Firehouse could ever have??? Well, I DO! I am proud of them all more than words could ever describe.

And this is for Harold: GET WELL SOON AND COME BACK "HOME" TO US. WE MISS YOU LOTS! WE LOVE YOU!

PS. Harold is getting stronger and stronger each and every day and we are just so happy and thankful about this. Thank you to everyone who has sent their love and wishes to Harold. God Bless you all!