"You can let me go now."

It was a beautiful Spring afternoon. Our day had been uneventful and I was happy for this for two reasons. One... no one was needing us for an emergency or fire and, two... I had so much work to get done.

But then the call came in. From the alarms I could tell it was pretty serious. A car accident. We gathered our equipment and raced to the scene with lights and sirens. I can still remember the first thing I thought when I saw the scene. "Unbelievable!" Even before I could get out of my squad, two police officers were escorting us quite quickly to the car. I couldn't believe what I saw, even at that close proximity. There in front of me was a convertible car... a beautiful red one... and in front of it some yards away there was a big rig. Between the truck and the convertible lay a dozen or so steel pipes. Several of those pipes were inside the convertible.

Quickly assessing the situation, we realized we had two patients. A man and woman. The woman was unconscious with obvious head and chest injuries. The man was conscious and alert but becoming hysterical. He had one of those steel pipes impaled in his chest.

I came to learn that they were husband and wife. They had just been married and they were on their way to the reception. But as fate would have it, the steel pipes from the big rig in front of them on the freeway came loose and crashed onto and into their car, injuring the woman badly and impaling the man through the chest.

I had never been in this situation before. Choosing one life over another. It was breaking my heart. The woman was in critical condition. We explained this to the husband. He begged us to take his wife quickly to the hospital. The man's condition was even more critical even though he was conscious. We couldn't remove the steel pipe from his chest without a tampanade ocurring. Right now he was being kept alive BECAUSE of that pipe. It was preventing him from bleeding out. But once the pipe was removed, he would bleed out in a matter of seconds and die immediately. How do you tell someone this? How do you explain to him that he will never see his wife again and that he would die? There was no doubt about it. There was nothing we could do.

Thank goodness he wasn't in pain. He just felt "pressure." We told him what was happening and what would happen. We encouraged him to say goodbye to his wife before the ambulance took her to the hospital. He was calm. He held her hand and talked so sweetly to her even though she was unconscious. He kissed her gently and told us to hurry and take her to the hospital and asked the Paramedics to please tell the doctors to save her life.

And then she was gone and he was alone. I crawled further into the car to sit with the man. I asked him if he wanted his family to be alerted and he said no. He didn't want them to come there and be traumatized by the scene. I understood. He was Catholic and allowed a Priest to come and give him the Last Rites.

The man talked about the first time he met his wife, how beautiful she was, and how much he loved her. His voice was weakening. I had been sitting there in the car with him for an hour or so. He would close his eyes for a few moments every so often. He seemed calm despite the situation he was in. My heart was breaking for the loss of this young man. And for his wife when she would wake up and realize he was gone and she was all alone.

I couldn't cry at that moment. It wouldn't be professional. I looked at him and he said, "You can let me go now." But I didn't want to "let go." I wasn't ready. I didn't think I'd EVER be ready. I encouraged him to call his family and talk to them. I gave him my phone. At first he didn't want to. He said he didn't know what to tell them. I told him to just tell them he loved them. "Let them know you were thinking of them," I said.

So he made a few phone calls. I tried to block out his conversations. I tried to not cry. I took his vitals. He was getting weaker. I tried to think of "other" things while he talked so I wouldn't hurt inside so much. But I realized that this man must be hurting emotionally so deeply inside. I mean, he was just married and now he would never live that life. He would never have children or see his wife or family or friends ever again. And here in front of me was this calm man who wasn't afraid. I was truly humbled. I have always been afraid of death. But this man gave me the courage to face it head on in the future and accept what is beyond our own control.

He handed the phone back to me. "You can let me go now," he said again. I called my Captain to come nearby. I told him the man was ready to be freed of this metal pipe. He knew that the moment the pipe was removed, he would die. He just wanted it removed. My Captain motioned to other Firefighters and Police that were standing around. Everyone gathered around the car to pray for this man.

I was so scared. The man wasn't. I wanted to cry. The man didn't shed a tear.

I was holding the hand of this man as the pipe was removed. My free hand placed gauze pads over the wound as it spewed blood.

"Thank you for staying with me," were his last words.

I felt like crap.

His wife did survive. The funeral for her husband was postponed a bit so she could attend. After the ceremony she came up to me and gave me a hug. She had asked who tried to save her husband so she knew who I was. She thanked me and hugged me for the longest time. I felt like she was trying to "feel close" to her husband by holding close the last thing that was near to him at the time of his death.

I don't think I ever cried so much as that day. I can't think of that day without becoming emotional. I don't think I will ever be the same again.

I'm not afraid of death anymore.